The Good Guy Paradox
Don’t look. Don’t think about it. Don’t disrespect. These are the lines that are ingrained from birth into the guy trying to be good. Whether from a conservative Christian family or just one that believes in traditional values, being nice to girls and women is easy enough at a young age. Being kind and genuine garners respect, admiration, and friends. It gets you connected in youth groups and ensures your peers notice you. However, as the teenage years wind down this mindset begins to cause more and more pain. As the tension in the body continues to grow, and sexual desire reaches its peak, the good guy is left with bated breath even trying to attempt more than a friendly conversation with a girl.
This guy might have great social skills. It isn’t only the introvert and isolated male that may fall into this trap. It can oftentimes be a man who appears confident but in reality, has not begun to take the first steps to master his sexuality. This leads him to become friends with girls, but never more. He cannot fathom taking the next step. He has too much respect and too much-ingrained fear that he cannot let go of himself. In the late teens and early twenties, this sense of lack in terms of women can begin to take its toll. This is where the great temptation begins. This is where the pickup artists and the players start to sound enchanting. The good guy is tired of being left out, but at the same time deeply fears becoming depraved and cheating the one that he will marry.
It is this attachment to “the one” and the soulmate that leads to intense pain. “Getting experience” and testing the waters of one’s sexuality is seen as an offense to one’s future betrothed. As a result, this man stays friendly with women and accepts the pain of his self-imposed sacrifice, while many of the women in front of him are probably just waiting for him to make a move. He might never do so since he would rather wait a lifetime than make a mistake. What begins as romantic chivalry turns into toxic despair. What was once passion and excitement for the future becomes bitterness and resentment towards the feminine. Then begins the descent into sexual depravity, which is why I believe pornography to be a prevalent problem for conservatives. The paradox is that trying to be noble actually made the good guy worse, not better. There was never any societal imposition of his private martyrdom. He imposed it in a fit of naive fantasy.
What is harder than anything for the good guy is to let go of the fantasy and accept reality. It is difficult to accept the realities of real relationships and the fact that many will not work out. The average man will go through his fair share of heartbreak, rejection, and romance, but the good guy never has the courage to even start. As a result, the maturation of the sexual essence never occurs as long as the infantile attachment to hopeless romanticism remains. This leads to many good guys taking what they believe to be the higher road, going from the extreme of romantic longing to hardness of heart. These are the men that turn to the voices of the men's community that seduce with the promise of power, but in the end leave a man even more isolated from women. Rather than cure the fantasy through real relationships and rejection, he takes a shortcut and merely changes the lie he tells himself.
So should the good guy wait for the one or get experience? I think neither of those options suits this type of man. Sure, men who have no problem sleeping with lots of women and having lots of partners shouldn’t have an issue with their sexuality, but men who want to be nobler and hold themselves to higher standards don’t have this choice. To become a player would compromise their highest ideals. At the same time, continuing to hold on to the “great wait” will only cause him more pain if he fails to see the opportunities right in front of him. The “wait” could very well be ending, but he will hold onto it nonetheless because he hasn't learned how to act. Due to this conundrum, I think the solution is for the good guy to do his best to escape his fantasy through an interaction with reality that does not include mindless sex. It doesn’t have to be a pick-up game or clubbing just to meet women, but rather an intentional plan to not be afraid of making mistakes. He should take more risks with girls that don’t match his perfect checklist, talk to those he fears, and let go of the serendipitous fantasy that waits for the perfect moment. Sometimes we have to make the moment for it to ever occur.
We have to learn to accept the imperfect beauty of an imperfect world. In this way, hopeless romanticism can be turned into joyful wonder. The same vein of consciousness that caused intense suffering can be transformed into a gift of healing. Being romantic can be a burden or a gift depending on how it is used. When romanticism takes a form more in line with nature and is removed from haunting fantasies, a man can begin to find joy in the spirit that gives life its vibrance. The focus can turn away from a secret obsession and infatuation with women to a sense of abundance in the here and now. It is difficult to find this mental place if you think you are somehow behind sexually. In this game, it really isn’t about winning, but trying. The act of facing one’s fears can be enough to dispel the anxiety that causes feelings of lack. It will help you to stop taking yourself so seriously and to enjoy the mistakes that happen along the way. When perfect love dies, real love can be born.
