For the Lonely: When “Love Yourself” Just isn’t enough
I can’t think of two words more commonly said, or more overused, to try to make the lonely feel better. It’s not bad advice per se, but it just doesn’t seem to offer any practical remedies to the person chilled by disconnection. Romantic Longing is not an easy thing to deal with, especially when everyone seems to have found “the one” (at least they make it look that way). Someone telling you to “love yourself” might as well have just told you “deal with it”. Then how do you deal with it? I think the key here is not so much to look inward, but rather outward, and to give love even before you have it.
For the lonely, a beginning in self-completion is to first accept the perceived martyrdom of their state, for it can definitely feel like it. It is the act of self-giving when there’s nothing there that might just be the spark to finding the first-fruits of internal warmth. This also brings detachment, especially from the pleasurable addiction of relationships, which can also become the source of much of their pain. It is a great advantage to find this detachment even before love is found because it will be easier to weather the storms of difficulty and aversion that come in due time. An early start in self-giving also has another benefit: you realize that what you were trying to escape from was not the loneliness, but an enslavement to false ideals. It is when your infatuation with romance becomes more balanced that you no longer seek its immediacy, for you see it as part of a larger puzzle, not the end.
Once the transition from introspection toward outward gift has been made, the next step that should occur is the willingness to brace more rejection-not just from a person, but also from the world. It becomes easier to take the hurt of not being validated when you’ve become used to not seeking consolation, but rather giving it unconditionally. When there is only expectation of receiving something, there should be no wonder that there is great fear in not being given what you think you’re meant to have. However, when you feel that all you’re meant to do is give, you won’t mind (at least not so much) when you’re love is not reciprocated. Then you’ll be able to take more risks, talk to more people, and search for new lovers with perfect liberty and freedom.
This gift of self is good, and a great beginning, but of course it’s important to remember to rejuvenate yourself. Perhaps the most important transition in this respect is to begin to find more pleasure in the everyday comforts that we so easily forget about. Part of this experience comes from doing a dopamine fast and lowering your baseline pleasure threshold. Your daily indulgences seem to become almost as good as sex when they’re taken away. It’s the scarcity that makes it so intensely pleasurable. To further this point, by letting go of the comforts you do have for a time, you will see that you could survive without them, so perhaps you’ll be find without the warm embrace of another, too. It may be scarce now, but intimacy will one day be abundant to you, and you’ll no longer face this aching need. Which leads me to the next point:
Learn to Appreciate the Intensity of Desire
You may hate your desire, or wish to get rid of it, as it seemingly drives you insane. It only gets worse when you find an opportunity to find love, only for your efforts to be thwarted as quickly as they began. I agree that this isn’t always fun, but it wouldn’t hurt to try to enjoy it at least. To enjoy the feeling of being human, and of being vulnerable with your desire. To not be ashamed of wanting and craving love. It is when you let this desire circulate through your being that it makes you attractive, charming, and a joy to be around. Instead of letting the intensity dismay you, let it make you passionate. With so much desire, you can make sipping a cup of coffee feel almost as intoxicating as a warm-mouthed kiss on the lips. You’ll see the same connection in the two experiences: the beautiful embrace of human sentiment.
So, let your eyes burn with the vitality of your desire. Don’t crawl inward and close yourself to the connection that could be had now. It’s not just about “loving yourself” because it was really never about you anyway. It’s about coming back into connection with the world around you, making the necessary sacrifices to align your body and mind with that sentiment, that will make you an amazing future partner: filled to the brim with love of life.
