Candid Coffee #1: Limerence
This new series I am creating is called Candid Coffee. It stands for all the personal, deepest, and unseen thoughts that you don’t tell anyone about, and are only able to pop up in the few short minutes when you are actually silent during the day: your beloved coffee break. It’s a metaphor that has a reflective meaning; it’s like a coffee shop where you finally slow yourself down a little and actually begin to feel a little bit of life. It’s where the sugar and cream are more than just sugar and cream. It’s that mood that you’re only able to find after a warm cup of liquid goodness.
For the first one, let’s talk about Limerence. Crush addiction can be a problem that no one would rather talk about. It almost becomes a sadistic pain that in a strange sense becomes a pleasure. It is a strange romantic narrative that we play out in our own mind, created purely out of fantasy. Limerence can strike immediately and without mercy: it only takes one ill-fated glance to burn the heart with desire. The more we are immersed in romantic ideals and tendencies, the more likely we are to fall prey to limerence. It can last for days or even years, causing a lot of self-inflicted anguish. These are emotions likely to be aroused with the companionship of coffee and the ambiance of a coffee shop. Sadness can begin to creep in as you go to order coffee, alone. Sadness can begin to creep up as you begin to read, alone. All the while, the thought of a crush keeps you agitated, and unable to completely clear your mind.
I have been on both ends of this debacle. I have been the lover, and also the beloved. What was beneficial about the experience of being the beloved is learning what it feels like to be the one who rejects the lover. Unrequited love is misery from the end of the pursuer, but for the pursued, it is often a detached decision. There can be a variety of reasons that a person rejects a chance at romance, but sometimes it’s as simple as there being nothing there. There shouldn't be anything wrong with that. The problem with limerence is that it is an obsessive attachment with no rational reason for existing. Innocent thoughts become protracted fantasies. Fantasies become emotions that begin to linger and settle in the subconscious. Emotions lead to obsession. When romantic thoughts about someone first begin to bud, hope is the highest. You do not know the person enough to determine whether they will reject your advances or not. Mystery, coupled with a high level of hope, is where the danger begins. This is where the wrenching of the stomach, the dizziness in the head, and the preoccupation of the mind also starts. What was once bliss in the simple cream and sugar is now not enough to satisfy the immense dopamine craving you have. Only one thing, the person, can seemingly heal the pain.
It is in this stage when you should begin to apply the remedy. It is better to do it now, rather than need emotional painkillers later down the road. In the fight against limerence, it is better to avoid it in the first place rather than to become infected with it. This takes a high level of emotional maturity and a detachment from outcome. Behave as if already there was no hope of fulfilling your desires, and remember that you were just fine before you met this person. Your world is the same as it was without the crush, it just seems more intense when the crush is the strongest. The intensifier effect of a crush makes it seem better than it really is, and it is made worse if are lives feel dull, mundane, and boring. We must constantly tell ourselves in this stage that are emotions are fooling us, that attraction is a short-lived game, and that we could be completely wasting precious time on someone who doesn't even think twice about us.
If we are already infected, it will be difficult to free ourselves from our desires. Unlike other problems, fleeing or running away from limerence actually makes it worse. Absence in the game of love is only an intensifier, and can make the fantasies much worse. Instead of being injected with a healthy dose of reality, the mind is allowed to wander into the realm of the absurd and implausible. It can find hope where it doesn't exist, reciprocation where there is no chance of it, and attraction where there is only friendship. The mind will only be freed when it finds something more exciting to focus on. The problem with that is it may take a long time before something, or someone, more interesting can occupy us. Sometimes, it is enough to acknowledge that what you feel for this person is not rational. You don't have to berate yourself for being stupid, or worry that you’re a weak, needy, and emotional person. You just want love, like anybody else, and it shouldn't be wrong to want that.
When crushes can remain innocent and healthy, they can add immense value to our lives. They can add a spark of pleasure in places where we wouldn't expect to find any. They can make the day just a little bit more bearable. As long as they do not descend into romantic delusion and despair, they should be regarded as one of the great blessings of life.
